How Partners Can Support Healthy Postpartum Recovery

We decided there is one more amazing piece to share related to our co-owner/founder, Lauren’s, most recent pregnancy and childbirth experience. Her partner, Andrew, was a huge contributor to the positive experience that Lauren had, and especially in making sure that she had the healing recovery experience she needed.

Why Partner Support Matters

We have a Birth Partner Preparation class, because after years of teaching birth classes, I finally realized that birth partners want and need this kind of special and specific preparation. I teach it every month, the class keeps growing, and I’m always so encouraged to see how many dedicated partners show up wanting to know how to be helpful.

One of the first things I say in class is that just the fact of them being who they are to their partners makes them useful. They are VIPs. They have been invited to be there and play a supporting role, not because of their medical expertise or special training, but just because of who they are. I get feedback often that it’s comforting to hear that. It takes the pressure off. And then they get to learn more about how to be a great birth partner. I don’t just say this to help them relax. I say it because it’s true. If asked who they would want to be with them during birth if they could only choose one person, many pregnant people would choose their partner. That says a lot about how important they are, even when they have no idea what to do.

And the research supports this sense that pregnant people have. There is evidence that good continuous partner support can have significant impacts on outcomes such as:

• Lower rates of preterm birth
• Higher birth weight babies
• Babies with higher APGAR scores
• Less complicated births
• Better breastfeeding rates
• Lower rates of postpartum depression and anxiety
• Healthier relationships

So, it feels good to have great support, but it can also have positive and measurable effects.

Being a Great Birth Partner

Pregnancy and birth are SO important, and having great support during that time is critical. There is no doubt that the care from a supportive partner can make a difference in outcomes. Some ways that partners can help:

• Encourage healthy habits during pregnancy: You can offer to make healthy foods that your partner needs and eat those things too. You might join your partner on walks and fill her water bottle every morning. Partners can offer help with to-do lists or offer massages to help keep her relaxed. When you encourage these healthy habits, your partner can know it’s more than OK to do these things for their health and for the baby’s health.
• Take classes or gather information in other ways: It’s very important to know about what is happening during pregnancy, and what is yet to come. Learning about birth and postpartum and baby care together during pregnancy can help so much and give you a way to stay connected. You might also go to as many prenatal appointments as you can, and ask questions there.
• Make a to-do list and start checking things off!: There is a lot to do to prepare for birth, postpartum, and a new baby. Getting involved in this kind of preparation can have so many positive effects on your partner’s health and on your relationship. It might even help you feel like you are doing some co-parenting before the baby is even born!
• Keep yourself healthy!: In the recorded interview below, Andrew describes how he did things to keep himself in good shape like eating well and getting plenty of sleep so he would be ready to help when needed.
• Focus on connection: In my class, we talk a lot about maintaining a great connection with your partner. When you might not know what else to do, that alone goes a long way. Pay close attention to how they’re doing and you might start to notice things and anticipate their needs before they can even tell you. Andrew says that in pregnancy and during the birth, that’s what made him most valuable. He was so tuned in to Lauren, that he was able to just stay focused and trust that his instincts would kick in when needed….and they did.
• Keep your partner grounded: Andrew and Lauren both reiterated that it was so helpful when Andrew reminded Lauren that she was OK, and their baby would be born soon. Lauren understood from her past births that she needed this, and Andrew followed through. She needed to know that the intensity was normal, and that she was OK. She needed to hear that this is the way babies are born, and it didn’t mean that she was going to get hurt.
• Touch: Physical touch can often be just what is needed. It can be a distraction, relief from pain or discomfort, and a grounding force.

The Essential Role of Postpartum Support

Preparing for birth is important. It’s a huge event, but it also doesn’t last very long. What comes after is something that takes a lot more time and involvement, but gets largely overlooked. There is so much happening in the first few weeks postpartum. Someone who just gave birth is going through so much. The list of physical challenges includes:

• Several weeks of vaginal bleeding.
• Possibly stitches or a tear in the vaginal region that needs to heal.
• Possibly a large abdominal wound to heal if a cesarean birth was needed.
• Healing of a salad plate sized wound inside the uterus.
• Muscles, ligaments and tendons that need to rest, heal, or shorten and reposition.
• Organs that need to move back into proper position while the uterus is emptying and shrinking.
• Hormone imbalances that need to adjust.

And then there’s a big need for emotional support because there is so much to process.

• Their bodies don’t look or feel like they expected.
• They’re having to recover physically while learning to care for a newborn.
• They might have doubts and insecurities about their ability to take care of a baby.
• Breastfeeding is often difficult to master and takes time to learn.
• They may be processing trauma.
• They are having to shift their entire identity. Who am I now?
• AND they might not like being told they should rest and heal and let others take care of them.

But taking the time to rest and heal after giving birth is so important. It can mean a better recovery time, but it can also impact the future. More than half of all people have some kind of dysfunction after giving birth. They might experience pain with sex, urinary incontinence, trouble controlling gas or having bowel movements, abdominal separation, back pain, a feeling of heaviness or bulging in the vagina, mood disorders, and more. A lot of times, these problems can be prevented with good postpartum care and rest.

How Partners Can Support Healing After Birth

Most partners really do want to help. It’s harder on everyone if proper healing doesn’t take place, and partners don’t want to see their loved one suffering. But it’s a big job, and partners often have to take an unfair share of the responsibility. In our culture, we don’t prioritize this healing and recovery and we’re not set up to give the care people really need. I always encourage partners to have a conversation about this with their pregnant person. You can even create a very organized postpartum plan together.

Discuss what postpartum might be like and how you might recruit some help. That might be family members, friends, neighbors, a doula, or other hired help. We know that Lauren and Andrew were able to hire a postpartum doula to provide a lot of very special support, but you might also find someone to do house cleaning for you, or yard work, dog walking, etc. But even with extra helpers, partners will still likely end up needing to do a lot of the helping.

Here are some helping ideas for partners:

• Make sure there is plenty of good healthy food around. Good nutrition is essential during healing.
• Coordinate helpers.
• Keep a calendar of appointments and visits.
• Keep the house in order. Messes might be an excuse for your partner to get up and stop resting!
• You might be needed to keep visitors away or make sure visits don’t go too long. It’s important to listen to your partner here. Rest and relaxation are very important. For some people, entertaining guests is stressful and exhausting.
• Admire and appreciate the postpartum body. She might be feeling insecure about it!
• Listen and let cry. Sometimes that just needs to happen, so you can be her shoulder.
• Make sure she knows how much you want her to take this time to rest and recover. She might feel like she’s not being useful or that she should be able to “bounce back” right away. Giving her your full support and understanding can help her take the time she needs.
• Assign yourself some baby duties like diaper changes and nap walks like Andrew does. It’s great to let the birth and breastfeeding parent to do a large share of the baby care, but sometimes people like to have a little break.
• Create a self-care list for your partner. Maybe you get them a cup of tea or a neck massage each time they sit down to breastfeed. Maybe you order food from their favorite restaurant every Monday for dinner. You can take the baby on a walk every morning and let your partner get an hour of uninterrupted sleep. You can take the baby for 30 minutes in the evening so your partner can take a relaxing bath. These self-care interventions don’t need to be big, but it helps a lot when they’re consistent.

Set up Reasonable Expectations

In the interview with Andrew, he mentioned that he had some expectations about the postpartum period.

1. He expected to have to clear his schedule, because he understood that he would be needed and that it would be a round the clock job for some time. It was not too much of a problem for Andrew to do this because he had that expectation ahead of time, and he also understood that it was a temporary thing and something he would GET to do.
2. Andrew also expected to shift priorities. He knew that his usual routines would have to be put on the back burner or sent to the back of the list. This can be really hard for some people, but so important for the health of the family. He sees this as a privilege and was glad to do it.
3. He really listened to other parents and heard the message that the baby would grow up VERY quickly. This understanding helped him be able to reschedule and reprioritize his life. He knew that he would only have a small window of time to see his son be a helpless newborn and also watch him grow and develop at an astounding rate.

Andrew was also a little bit surprised by some of the things that actually came up after the baby was born. He hadn’t really considered that the baby might not need him as much as he needs Lauren. It’s very normal and natural for a baby to need to be with the birth parent more. Near constant closeness makes breastfeeding and milk supply go better. It’s good for bonding which helps with hormone regulation and mood stabilization. Skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding are also important factors in the birth parent’s physical healing. Those enhance oxytocin production which helps the uterus contract and heal. Mothers and babies needing to be close together is by design and should be encouraged whenever possible. Andrew understands this and decided he could still be very helpful by focusing on Lauren’s needs. The more he encouraged her rest and recovery, the better it went. He is also making sure to take and cherish every opportunity he gets to have skin-to-skin time and bond with his son.

He also realized that the routines he expected to have didn’t really work with a newborn. He learned to watch and adjust. Newborns change very quickly. Just when you think a routine or pattern is emerging, they change! Andrew learned to watch and be flexible. When there was a need to shift, he did it. The daily necessities of life can often be modified or arranged to fit around a newborn’s changing needs. As they get older, things will start to normalize some and you’ll be able to start to count on some patterns.

Andrew also said he didn’t expect to feel such a strong pull for home and family. Before the baby was born, he was able to go to work and be away without thinking too much about it. He noticed that now, it’s harder to keep himself present with what he’s doing when he’s away from home. He feels a constant “tether” pulling him back. He’s thinking about them wherever he is, and feels ready to slingshot back as soon as he can. This is a very normal response for a very responsive and involved father of a newborn. It does eventually get easier as your partner heals, the baby grows, and as you move away from the intensity of the newborn period.

Remember: This is Temporary

I’m always sure to remind partners that this time might seem very overwhelming and intense for them too. It is a big deal. You need to take care of yourself too. But remember that this is also very temporary. Your partner’s body will be at least mostly healed after about 6 weeks. You will both start to get the hang of parenting a baby, and you won’t feel so insecure anymore. I encourage partners to go ALL IN with this process. Recognize that this is baby time, and that baby time is temporary, so give it all of your attention. When you and your partner both go “all in”, baby time becomes a way for you to bond and strengthen your relationship instead of being a stressor. Continue to remind yourself that your baby will grow and develop, and so will your parenting muscles. Things will change so much in your child’s first year, and at some point you might not be able to remember how hard things were at first, but you’ll be able to know that you did a great job and that your family is better for it.

References:

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