Mental Load and Motherhood

By Ali Weatherford

Your mental load is something that can be really hard to describe but can have a huge impact on how you feel and how productive you are. The concept of “mental load” is surprisingly controversial. Some people understand and relate to it fully, but others might understand it and just don’t think it’s a relevant issue. Still others deny the existence of “mental load” at all. I think it’s real, very real, and that everyone has one. 

Defining Mental Load

Researchers might call this “domestic cognitive labor”. I have my own way of describing this concept based on my experiences with it, so I’ll start there. For me, the Mental Load is all of my internal dialogue and planning. It’s my mental “to-do list”. Before I put things on my calendar, add it to a written list, shout down the stairs at my kids, or send that text, it exists in my mind. Until I can get it done or get it out of my head somehow, it’s clutter. It hangs in my mind as background noise until I can either get it done, give it to someone else, put it on my calendar, put it on a list, or set an alarm. 

It’s not necessarily the everyday things like making meals, but all the rest. It includes things like, take the trash cans to the curb on Monday afternoon, read those extra emails that came in from the kids’ schools, restock the toilet paper, make a grocery list, call the vet to refill the dog’s medication, get gas in my car before going to pick up the kids, check the signup deadline for basketball summer camp, ask kid #1 about what kind of summer job they want to start looking for, make sure kid #2 put his basketball jersey in the washing machine because he has a game tomorrow, etc, etc, etc. 

Who Has a Mental Load? 

All of us carry a mental load. Yours might be heavy, moderate, or light. If you have a lighter load, you might not even recognize that you’re carrying it. Some people have simpler lives because of their circumstances. If you have a steady job you’ve been doing for a long time with a good employer, you might have a lighter load than a self-employed person who is responsible for a facility and many employees. Living in a rental apartment, you might have a lighter load than a homeowner who just bought a fixer-upper. If you don’t have any pets, you might have a lighter mental load than someone with three large and hairy senior dogs. And if you are not yet a parent, you have a lighter load than you will once a baby arrives.

Each child is a human with a complete set of needs that will be different from those of all of the other members of the family. As a parent, you will be responsible for those needs completely until that child is old enough to take on some of the responsibilities. And as you have more children, it increases exponentially, because the relationships between children and their needs become their own entities too. 

Who Carries More of the Mental Load? 

There has been a lot of research recently into the fact that women, especially mothers, tend to carry a larger share of the mental load. This might be a disproportionate amount. A lot of things could account for that difference. Some people have higher standards than others. Some people like taking control. Other people might be forced to take the load because they lack support. Still others were raised that way. I was raised by a mother who did most everything. She raised the children and kept the house. She also had some jobs outside the home and helped in the family business. If we needed something, we asked Mom. She knew where everything was, how to make things, and when our first and last days of school were. She witnessed her own mother doing this, and that’s what I did too. 

It wasn’t until I had two children and was trying to run a business that I started to question why I was feeling overwhelmed. I had a husband who worked full time but also helped out at home some. He handled bath time, picked up groceries, and did some school dropoffs. He did yard work, took out the trash, and fixed things. I could ask him to complete tasks and he would oblige. Having him take some of the physical responsibilities was great, but just didn’t completely solve the problem. I wasn’t sharing my mental load. He was also raised seeing his mother handle most of the family’s mental load so he didn’t question or understand it either.

Lightening Your Mental Load

If you tend to take on most of the family’s mental load and sharing it doesn’t come naturally to you or to your partner, that’s pretty normal. We’re having conversations about this, and I think things are improving, but there are still plenty of people who are struggling to find a balance. Here are some tips that might help: 

Adjust your expectations. When you become a parent, it can be very helpful to change your expectations. Maybe your house isn’t always spotless and you sometimes get takeout. 

Simplify. It’s a good idea to remove some unnecessary things from your life, at least temporarily. Maybe you and your partner decide to let some of your extracurricular activities go. You might decide to hire a lawn service. If you have a lot of obligations with family and friends, you can start saying no to some things. Don’t sign up for every volunteer opportunity. Set bills to auto-pay so you can remove that from your mental load. 

Do what you like. When dividing and choosing responsibilities, try not to focus on doing everything 50/50. Instead, think about the jobs you don’t hate and sign up for those. Even if you’re not able to divide the work time perfectly, there will likely be less stress and more harmony in your home. When you can focus on the jobs you are good at and prefer doing, you might not feel so overwhelmed. Your partner can do the same. Dividing responsibilities like this makes it more likely that you will both take full ownership of those pieces and do a good job keeping up with your jobs. 

Don’t just give a task, give a responsibility. Once you’ve simplified your life to only the most necessary or special things, start sharing responsibilities. For example, if you’ve been handling the kids’ sports, you know that’s a lot more than just getting them to practices and games. It means getting uniforms and shoes and making sure they’re clean. It means signing up to volunteer the required number of hours and making sure you have sunscreen, bug spray, seats, water bottles, snacks, etc. You have to read the emails and updates about tournament fees and picture days. You might have to take a turn with a carpool or remember to pitch in for the coach’s gift.

When you give someone else the responsibility, you don’t just ask them to do the dropoffs and pickups. Instead, give them all the things related to that activity. They become “the sports parent”. Maybe your partner can find the time and mental space, or maybe you have a grandparent nearby who would love the job. Give the soccer club that person’s contact information so they can start getting all the emails and app invitations. Let them update a shared calendar so you’ll know when the games are, ask them to text you if there’s something you NEED TO KNOW, and then let it go! 

What Matters Most

Whether you believe in this concept of mental load or not, I think the takeaway lesson here is to do what is needed to keep your family healthy. If you or your partner are feeling overwhelmed, that’s not good for the family. When one piece of the system is not functioning optimally, the whole thing slows down and can suffer damages. Without some intervention, this will not get better. When you ignore or dismiss these problems, things usually get worse. That can look like a lot of different things. In the worst cases, it might lead to failed relationships, but even in the best case, there will be a lower level of happiness and relationship satisfaction. Everyone experiences ups and downs in life. Becoming a parent can be both. Things won’t always be perfectly balanced, and it’s best to prepare for that. If you can share the responsibilities with someone else from the start, you might avoid some of the lower downswings. But when you inevitably have them, you can let someone else take more of the load. And you can do the same for them when it’s their turn. 

References

A typology of US parents’ mental loads: Core and episodic cognitive labor