Navigating Postpartum with a Partner

Getting ready for a baby is a really big thing. You might be buying lots of baby things, preparing for birth, learning about newborn care, maybe even shopping for a new car or home. What you might not be thinking about is preparing your primary relationship for bringing a baby home.

You and Your Partner Before Baby

You might be married or not, but for the sake of this article, I’m talking about a romantic partner that you live with. You might have a very stable and functional relationship. Remember though, that the stability will be challenged when you bring in the big intervention of a new baby. They are tiny and cute, but they can definitely mean big changes in lifestyle. If your relationship relies on a particular way of life, it’s good to recognize that that may change and your relationship will need to adjust to your new normal in order to stay healthy. Do you go out for meals a lot? Travel a lot? Have a very active social life? Work away from home a lot? Most people find that this will need to be different when a baby enters your life.

What Happens to Relationships After Baby

Some people have heard that a baby strengthens a good relationship or can reinvigorate a struggling one. There has been some good research into relationship health after baby, and unfortunately the data isn’t great. Most relationships do not improve when a baby enters the picture. Most couples experience a decline in the quality of their relationship.

How Some Relationships Improve After Baby

There is hope! About ⅓ of couples experience an improvement in their relationship satisfaction. So it is possible. The things that these couples have in common?

“It turns out they were able to share in the transition together. They had a strong sense of friendship, practiced healthy conflict management, and tackled the varying needs of a newborn as a team.”

What You Can Do to Safeguard Your Relationship

I think it’s a good idea to start right here where you are. You are learning. You’re discovering something new. Share this article with your partner. Let it start a conversation. Talk about it. Becoming aware of the risks is a great place to start and talking about it with your partner is a great way to connect.

Next, focus on your friendship, your connection. I teach a birth preparation class for partners, and the foundation for the class is connection. I start with that and bring it up often. It can be easy to get caught up in pregnancy and in planning for birth and baby and neglect your relationship. We talk about small and simple ways to maintain that very important connection on a daily basis. Here are a few things you might like to try.

• Set aside 10 minutes every day for relaxation. This is great practice for birth and a great way to check in with each other each day. This might be a foot massage, listening to audio meditations, brushing hair, anything. The goal is to create a very relaxing atmosphere and learn what works well.
• Have a meal together. If you can prepare it together that can be a bonus. Maybe one of you finds the perfect recipe, someone shops, unloads the groceries, washes the veggies, prepares a dish, cleans up after. You might divide all of the responsibilities, you might do them all together, or do some dividing and some togetherness. Pay attention to what works better for you as a team.
• Learn something together. It’s great if it’s something you’re both interested in, but if that’s hard to find, take turns choosing. Maybe you want to learn guitar and your partner wants to take a cooking class. You might be surprised to find you become interested in learning about something even though you weren’t excited about it. You might also do birth preparation or parenting classes or classes that might improve your relationship skills. These can be great ideas to help you connect and learn.
• Move your bodies together. Here I mean exercise of many kinds. You’ll want to be healthy AND happy parents, so why not use exercise as a way to connect?
• Communication is so important. Talk to each other about what you’re experiencing. Sometimes it can help to visit with a counselor together. They may be able to guide you through some of the things that other couples experience so you can be sure to cover everything. Then keep those conversations going. Sometimes relationships suffer because people forget to share or become too afraid or ashamed. Practicing often can help you avoid this pitfall.
• Have fun and play. Many adults forget to do this, and it doesn’t usually get easier after a baby arrives. It’s great to get into the habit of making time for play before your baby comes. And remember that babies grow into kids and will soon want to play A LOT! You don’t necessarily have to do this everyday, but carving out some special time for this is a great idea. It might be going for a swim, roller skating, working puzzles, playing board games or video games, or anything that is fun for both of you. That might even be building a deck or doing other home projects!

Managing conflict well is another way to fortify your relationship. Everyone will have conflict, but it doesn’t have to be something that ruins a relationship. When you can learn how to manage it respectfully and in a positive way, conflict can even be a way to connect. If you don’t have great conflict resolution skills yet, you can learn better strategies in a number of ways, but I like to recommend therapy. A couples’ therapist can take you really far.

Make Parenting Your New Connection and Fun

One of the most important things that researchers saw in the couples who improved after a baby is that they were taking care of their baby together. They both went “all in”. A lot of times this is not the case. One parent might be VERY focused on the baby while the other is less interested or just less involved. That might happen for a number of reasons.

• Lack of interest – Some people just aren’t interested in babies. They may be more interested as the child gets older and more interactive, but babies just aren’t their thing. If this is you, try just going through the motions. A lot of times, it gets more interesting as you get more involved.
• Lack of skill – Some people don’t know how to take care of a baby! Taking a class or getting advice from your partner or other friend or family member might make you better able to be an active participant.
• Lack of confidence – If you don’t feel like you’re good at taking care of a baby I encourage you to keep trying. You will get better. Practice definitely helps. Sometimes new parents don’t feel confident if the other parent wants to do everything. I recommend being careful about this. Even if you don’t think your partner is doing everything “right”, let them help. It’s ok to gently offer suggestions if they really don’t seem to know what to do, but it’s also true that partners just might be able to find their own “right” way to do things. You might be able to get your baby to sleep really well your way, but your partner has another strategy that could end up working really well too. It’s good for everyone’s peace of mind if you are both good at getting things done.

Taking care of your baby, staring at your baby, marveling over your baby are all things that you can do together. When you do, it becomes a point of connection AND fun. It can bring you closer together and it can be a big benefit to your baby.

Good Postpartum Care

Besides having a baby and becoming parents, it’s really important to remember that you were pregnant and had a birth. That takes some serious recovery. You should be resting a lot and taking really good care of your body and your mental health. This can take a lot of care, patience, and help. Your partner might be the one you rely on the most. This can be hard on a relationship, but it can also be a way to strengthen and build on a good thing.

• Ask for help from others – Let other people pitch in any way they can. They can help with food, cleaning, laundry, grocery trips, dog walking, yard work, anything you need. This can give you and your partner a little more time to spend together and with your baby.
• Partner help – Partners might be surprised at the amount of helping they are needed for. It might be simple things like getting food and drinks, but those things might be very difficult for the recovering parent. You might also need to run a lot of errands, help with the baby, and do a lot of housework. This might not be usual for a partner, but remember that it’s very temporary and will be greatly appreciated.
• Understanding and patience – I love for partners to know that postpartum healing is a very big deal. There is a very large wound on the inside of the uterus that needs to heal, organs needing to reposition, hormones balancing, and a lot of other big things going on too. Partners should work to be understanding and patient. Give her the time she needs to rest and heal so she can recover fully. Tell her you know how important it is and that you want that for her and for your family. This can go a long way toward relationship building. When both partners are healthy and strong, the whole family benefits.
• Breastfeeding – This can be very difficult to learn. Most people struggle with breastfeeding at first. We recommend that everyone be patient, and reach out for help when needed. Partners should know that breastfeeding is natural but doesn’t always come easy. If breastfeeding is a struggle at first, watch and listen. Is it obvious that the breastfeeding parent really wants to make it work? In that case, partners should support those efforts. Offer to help in any ways they might need. Help get an appointment with a lactation consultant, support baby positioning and pumping efforts, but it’s not usually helpful to offer to go get formula from the store. That can feel very defeating and like you don’t have faith in their capabilities. It can take a few weeks to get the hang of it, so patience is again the most useful virtue.

Your Future Success

A thriving family is the goal. Making that a reality starts even before pregnancy and continues on. When a postpartum body can fully recover after pregnancy and birth, things will go more smoothly. When they can fully regain all function, the future will be better. They can have sex without pain, exercise for good health, use the toilet with ease, and help manage life and relationships. People usually take these functions for granted, but pregnancy and birth can complicate things for so many people. Early resting and good recovery can sometimes mean the difference between full functionality and permanent dysfunction. If your body is not working well or your mental health is suffering, it is a lot more difficult to find ease in family life. The first few months postpartum are a critical turning point for the birthing parent, and therefore the whole family. A supportive partner can help.

Remember that early and regular communication is critical, and support is key. Talk to each other about what’s going on, reach out for help when you need to, and have patience. Remember this is a temporary circumstance. If you give it your full attention now, you’ll all be better off for life.

References

Gottman Research