Shaming for Not Breastfeeding

It might seem surprising that we’re covering this topic. We are a company focused on breastfeeding support. Our ultimate goal is to help families find a way to breastfeed in a way that works for their family. And we do like to start there, for sure. It’s important that people have what they need to make breastfeeding successful for so many reasons. So it might be surprising that one of our next biggest goals and challenges is helping people overcome their feelings of failure or shame for NOT breastfeeding at all or for not breastfeeding like they think they “should”.

I don’t like the word “should”. It doesn’t make sense to me. We either do or we don’t. Should or should not are just judgments. If you breastfeed your baby, great! If you don’t breastfeed your baby (as long as your baby is getting some kind of good nutrition), that’s great too! We’re here to help you figure out infant feeding that is going to work best for you and your family regardless of the food of choice or necessity.

“Fed is Best” vs “Breast is Best”

These campaigns each have a very worthy and reasonable goal, and most people interpret that they are opposite goals. The “Breast is Best” campaign was a response to formula company marketing and the medical community spreading a false message that formula was superior to breast milk. This happened a long time ago, but it did decades worth of damage. It was very important to start communicating a different message. The “Fed is Best” campaign began as a response to the shame that some people felt when they did not breastfeed because of some very strong messages being shared about the superiority of breast milk. But if you dig a little deeper, you might find they have more in common than most people think. Our founders recently spoke about this on a podcast episode that might help clear some things up!

Optimal vs Just Fine

Your breast milk is the highest form of nutrition for your baby. There are some potential health benefits. We do know this is true. It is “optimal”. That’s a pretty heavy word that means heavy expectations.

We understand that we ourselves don’t always eat the most nutritious or “optimal” foods every moment of every day. I just ate chips for lunch, so I’m very sure I don’t always choose optimal nutrition. We don’t feed our older kids the optimal food every time they eat either. As a busy working mom, I know that I will do my best most days, but sometimes it just has to be PB&J for dinner. I sometimes let myself feel shame or regret for a bad day or week, but I know that the majority of the busy parents out there understand.

At Breastfeeding Success, we understand that “optimal” isn’t always possible or convenient. Sometimes “optimal” would come at a sacrifice to our mental health or our ability to navigate life. Sometimes we have to substitute “optimal” for “the best I can do right now while preserving my sanity” or “just fine”. This is OK. We understand that life and parenting is about so much more than optimal food choices.

What we can do

What we want to do is offer education and support for families so they can make their own best decisions. We don’t want formula company marketing to make that decision for anyone, and we definitely don’t want SHAME to enter into your decision making.

So, when you ask for help, we will meet you with compassion and a readiness to do some troubleshooting. We’ll talk to you about breastfeeding, but we’ll also LISTEN to your needs. If that means that you need help finding alternative ways to feed your baby, we’re all in. We can discuss hand expression, pumping, safe formula use, and bottle feeding techniques so you can be most successful.

But how can you avoid the shame?

Generally, shame comes in two forms. It might come from the people around you, or it might just be coming from you.

When shame comes from ourselves, it’s the hardest to shake. As new parents, we might interpret well meaning advice as shaming because we feel overwhelmed and worried. We think we “should” do things a particular way, so when we’re questioning our ability to do that and someone reinforces this message, we feel like they are judging us. I did A LOT of this. What I understand now, after 16 years of parenting successes and failures, is that they probably weren’t judging me. They were offering me a suggestion that worked for them, and I got myself caught in a shame cycle. If I had asked them what they would think of me if I DID NOT take their advice, they probably would have said, “Sure, whatever, let’s get a cup of coffee.”

We have to stop ourselves from having the thoughts that we “should” or “shouldn’t” do something. When you can look at the information you have, the baby you have, the life you have, in a clear and reasonable way, you can make a decision that works for you. After the decision is made, trust that you did the right thing. If you start to feel shame or regret, that might just be your own insecurities creeping back in. You can continue to reaffirm that you have done the right thing for you and your family and focus on all of the amazing things that you are doing.

If you are definitely getting judgments from someone else, that can be hard to deal with too. If you’re getting judgment directly from a family member or friend, I recommend saying something like, “Thank you so much for the advice. I can tell that you care a lot about us. This was a really difficult decision, and I put a lot of hard work and thought into it before making a choice. This is just what is going to work best for me and for my family. I hope you can respect that so we can move on to other things and enjoy our time together.”

If the judgments are coming from certain online groups, communities, or social media, those might be easier to remove from your life. Those sources can get really ugly, but you don’t have to look. If you don’t look, it can’t affect you. A lot of new parents discover that they have to disconnect digitally, or just find new sources that are more positive and affirming.

Remember that every parent has their own set of special skills and talents. I have always been really good about getting babies, toddlers, and big kids to eat nutritious foods. I’m a good cook, and it was always easy for me. I’ve been fortunate not to have struggles at the dinner table very often.

On the other hand, I’m NOT very good at sleep. I felt so lost and clueless when it came to getting my babies and toddlers to sleep. I had so many friends who seemed to breeze through that part, but it never came easy for me.

I’m really good at reading fiction stories to my kids with fun voices and all, but I’m not very good at acting out imaginary role plays. I can play board games, but don’t try to get me to play ball. I’m happy to take a walk, but don’t try to get me on a bike! As you grow into parenthood, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to shine and plenty of moments to realize that you’re not great at something else. This is just normal life. Take it easy on yourself and focus on the wins!