The Teachings of Motherhood

Motherhood in the Beginning

Mother’s Day is coming up quickly, and I want to take this opportunity to express appreciation for all of the mothers and mothers-to-be out there, and also to touch on some of the hard stuff that mothers might be dealing with.

For me, becoming a mother felt like I had found my purpose. I wasn’t very interested in babies and kids before I had my own, so I was actually very worried that I might not like being a mother. Once I met my first baby, that was all in the past. She made me a mother, and I felt something click into place. I knew this was the thing for me. I reveled in the little moments watching their newborn facial expressions and seeing them grow and develop. I have so much fun introducing my kids to the things I loved to do as a kid, and I get to re-experience childhood fun with them. There really are so many blessings in motherhood, and I would never go back.

The Hard Parts We Don’t Always Talk About

It’s also important to recognize that it’s not all fun and easy. There are the hard parts like fussy babies, diaper rash, sore nipples, bad sleep, the sick days, the first day of school tears, injuries, vaccination visits at the doctor, friendships gone bad, puberty hormones, acne, mean teachers, and all the rest. And then some mothers put all of their time and energy into their children at their own expense. This was definitely me. I didn’t know how else to do it. I only ate, slept, and used the bathroom when it fit around what my kids needed. I didn’t pursue any outside interests or friendships. I went “all in”. At that time, you couldn’t have convinced me that there was any other way. For so many mothers, it feels like the way it has to be.

Looking back, I might have done a few things differently. Even though becoming a mother had a profound impact on my identity in a positive way, it did not mean that everything else needed to fall away. I did quickly figure out that I needed other adults. I had my own mom in my corner, and my sister was very present. I leaned on them so much for help, that we didn’t get to just relax and be adults together. We were in the baby trenches together. I am SO grateful for that! We need that too. But that didn’t necessarily nurture the other part of myself.

I lost my mother recently, and I feel the loss very heavily even now being a mom to two teenagers. She walked me through all the stages of my children’s lives so far, and was my north. I always knew that if I stumbled or needed someone to help me “get it”, she was there. I didn’t need to ask, she just showed up the way I needed her to. She listened and worked hard. She did the fun work AND the grunt work. She was fabulously beautiful and elegant, and also somehow completely down to earth and supremely modest. She was my example of motherhood, and for us, that meant putting the kids first. She always did, and I wouldn’t trade it. I take every opportunity to remember her and all the mothering she did for me even after I became a mother myself.

Because of her support during my first 16 years of motherhood, I can now continue to mother my children with confidence. I’m doing OK without her, because of her. Isn’t that every mother’s wish? That our children grow up to be capable and whole adults who want us around but don’t necessarily need us anymore.

Integrating Mother and Self

We never stop being mothers, but hopefully we also never stop being women, being ourselves. The thing that often gets neglected is that piece. I was secure in my role as a mother, but not so much as a woman, as myself. I think my mom let that piece go too. As a mom to teenagers, I’m trying to recognize this tendency in myself and do something just a little different so they have a model of a mom who is almost, but not quite, “all in” for them. I want them to see that I am also taking care of myself and prioritizing my needs sometimes.

I try to do this in small ways. When my kids want to stay up late to watch a movie, I could give in, but sometimes I say no. I have to get up early, and I want to get enough sleep. They want a ride somewhere after school, and I usually say yes, but sometimes I force myself to say no. I’ve already done enough driving for today and I just don’t feel like doing any more. I make lunch dates with friends and sometimes take classes that I like… even if that means my kids have to make their own dinners occasionally. I have a career that I love, and I make sure to tell them about it and show them some pieces of that. I want them to see that I am Mother AND I am Ali.

A Message to Mothers Who Need to Hear It

If you’re struggling with this right now, or maybe don’t yet recognize that you need to give a little more to yourself, remember this. You know that your kids need you. But needing you means needing you to be your best self. That means that you’re healthy, strong and balanced. That means you need to prioritize your sleep and your nutrition. You need to take a shower, go to the doctor and the dentist, and maybe see a therapist. And it means doing some things that are enjoyable for you that might not involve your children. Nurture your own talents and have fun. Your kids will like seeing this side of you too.

If this is especially hard for you like it is for me, try this exercise. Ask yourself what you want most for your own kids. What would you advise them to do if they become parents someday? Picture what they might be like. You might want them to keep doing all the things that make them them. You might like to imagine that they are just like they are right now only bigger, smarter, richer, more capable, and with children of their own. That’s what I do. I can see my daughter being a very nurturing mom, AND keep being the amazing person I see today. She’ll still nurture great friendships and snuggle with dogs. She’ll write and read and paint her nails five times a week. She’ll watch silly rom-coms with her mom. She’ll paint watercolor portraits while listening to podcasts and have a career she loves.

I see my son being an amazing dad. He’ll be playful and show them all the sports. He’ll take them fishing and camping and show them how to build fires and carve spoons out of wood. He’ll continue to be on sports teams with old friends and play video games sometimes. He’ll find obscure and interesting music to listen to and see some of his favorite live shows. He’ll grow up to be “a boss” like he’s always wanted.

In these fantasy images in my mind, they do not stop being the people I know right now. They keep nurturing those parts of themselves WHILE they are becoming great parents. I hope that for all of you too.